At the end of this blog post, I’m going to suggest something that’s so controversial; many women are going to think I’m crazy to even suggest it.
Even though this advice has saved hundreds of marriages.
I’m only telling you what works based on what I’ve tried with my couples in therapy. It’s real world stuff that gets results; not the things we wish would work, or that we believe should work…I’m sharing what DOES work. (And rest assured, we will be talking to the men next.)
And it’s going to send some women and men through the roof — or at least stir the pot a little!
But first a little background…
Women crave intimacy and love in sex. (Now there’s some breaking news for you!)
Many women must feel and loved and respected before they even begin to feel sexy and desired, even by her main man she trusts in everyday life. They need the emotional stuff before they want the physical.
Men are not like women…
On the other hand, men have a much different path toward desire…generally shorter, and very direct! They need the physical stuff to get to the emotional.
The secret to male sexuality is that when the physical release occurs, that’s when they begin to connect emotionally. So here’s the twist. Where women need to feel that emotion and appreciation to want sex, men connect emotionally through sex. The act of sex brings them closer.
See, for men, sex brings on those feeling of connectedness and love. Oxytocin is that emotional, biological hormone that makes men want to cuddle, protect, and do all the little things women need to feel loved…including housework.
Bassackwards, maybe, but there it is.
Women, I’m calling on you to trust the powerful oxytocin release in the male orgasm to bring you everything your heart desires. BUT (and this is big), you have to extend yourself a little more.
What does that mean? It means compartmentalize just a little bit. Separate children from sex, separate work obligations from intimacy, separate resistance from pleasure.
So here’s my challenge, my therapist’s manifesto regarding sex…are you ready?
Give it 10 minutes.
Even when you’ve got a thousand and fourteen things on your mind, including that jelly stain on your kitchen wall; and that weird team meeting where the new guy lambasted your work in front of your boss; and the fact that you’ve put on 5 pounds without even trying, and that news story you can’t shake…. forget about all that and try to get into it with your partner for just ten minutes.
Ten. Measly. Minutes.
Then see how you feel. If after 10 minutes of working on getting into the mood you still aren’t, then you can try again another time.
Chances are, you’re going to feel pretty good if you let loose and try. If you trust that you are the sexiest thing in the universe to the only one that matters. If you let go and let love…
Can we go there? Sure, why not. Sex is the glue that’s going to hold your marriage together, your family together, and your intimacy together. You just have to make time and space for it, in your head and in your schedule
You and your man are different. You want to be heard and seen and the kitchen floor clean. Your man wants to be heard and seen — and to be the source of your happiness.
So we’re at the chicken and the egg conundrum.
Women, can you give ten minutes? That is the question. Can you agree to stop the world and melt with your man? Agree that if you can’t do it, then you can stop.
For the men out there (those brave men who are reading this post), are you man enough to give it all you’ve got in those then minutes and trust that your woman will throw the clock out the window and carry on…and if not, suck it up? That also is the question. There can be no pouting, pushing or get backs if your best effort in 10 minutes doesn’t get her there. If there is, you won’t be getting many more opportunities to try in the near future.
Didn’t I tell you? I am not trying to be the most popular therapist or couples coach in the world…only to people who want to really TRY to fix the sex and intimacy issues in their marriage!
I welcome your input! Especially on a subject as emotionally loaded as this one! Please feel free to comment below.
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